Galadriel's Rules For the Family Reunion
by 16-horses
Summary: Exactly what it says on the tin.


1\. NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO KILL ANYONE ELSE. I cannot stress this enough. This is the Fourth Age, dear family; none of the old curses and grudges are relevent any longer.

2\. No alcohol permitted. And no spiking the punch either.

3\. No weapons permitted. All guests will be patted down for concealed weapons before and after the party.

4\. By Eonwë.

5\. No animals permitted (I'm looking at _you_, Celegorm).

6\. Absolutely NO 'your mom' jokes allowed.

7\. Or fiery redhead jokes.

8\. Or hand jokes. There are less painful ways to commit suicide.

9\. No, we are not inviting Eöl this year.

10\. Yes, we have to invite Fëanor. He's the oldest; none of us would even _be_ here without him.

11\. That being said, for Valar's sake, DO NOT do anything to antagonize Fëanor. You realize the man is capable of setting himself on fire through sheer force of will.

12\. Also, keep Fëanor away from anything shiny.

13\. Or sharp.

14\. Or flammable.

15\. Actually just lock Fëanor in a closet for the duration of the party.

16\. Please be considerate and only speak Sindarin. Not every member of the family knows Quenya and I suspect some of you took advantage of that fact to call each other some very rude names last year.

17\. Having no choice but to acknowledge the fact that the vast majority of the family is male, I request that you do not act like, as one of our mortal relatives has put it, 'a bunch of guys'. There are still females present, and we expect you to act like gentlemen.

18\. That means keeping your shirt on, Celegorm.

19\. Eärendil is not allow to wear his Silmaril coronet unless he wants to initiate a second War of the Jewels.

20\. For the last time, Orodreth, not Fingon, is Gil-galad's father, and I'd thank you all to stop questioning the High King's parentage.

21\. Whoever said 'the cake is a lie' is going to be werewolf meat, as soon as I figure out who you are.

22\. No, you may not have some of my hair.

23\. You can't try on my ring either.

24\. Sorry, Eärendil, but you don't have any claim to your children anymore. If Elrond wants to call Maglor 'Father' that's his choice, and you have no one but yourself to blame.

25\. No Hobbit drinking songs allowed.

26\. Or Mannish drinking songs, for that matter.

27\. The first person to break into 'they're taking the Hobbits to Isengard' will be shipped out to the Timeless Void for perpetuity.

28\. Don't let Caranthir have anything with sugar or caffeine in it.

29\. This is not a Yule party, Maeglin; you can leave the mistletoe at home.

30\. And you don't get to be mad if people call you emo.

31\. No, I am not Manwë in disguise, so quit asking.

32\. No cursing allowed (in both senses of the word).

33\. No ragging on Celebrimbor for not seeing through Sauron's disguise in time. If I remember correctly some of you (read: Fëanor, Maeglin, etc.) were heinously used and influenced by the Dark Lords even when you KNEW who they were.

34\. Dear eldest brother of mine, I know how you feel about honor and I admire you for it, but please try to have a little common sense as well. You don't have to do everything people ask you to do.

35\. Including assisting with Celegorm and Curufin's pranks.

36\. _Especially_ as you have been on the receiving end of such pranks many times in the past. (Need I remind you about the cat-and-fake-Silmaril incident several years back...?)

37\. Stop asking me who wears the pants in my marriage. Celeborn does, of course; when have you ever seen me in anything but a dress? Strange question.

38\. On the subject of dresses, Aredhel is required to wear one.

39\. And she is not allowed to do anything without telling someone first. Believe it or not, cousin, rebellious princesses are not cool. You brought this on yourself.

40\. You don't get to make googly-eyes at Celegorm either just because Eöl isn't here. That's creepy.

41\. Eärendil, tell your wife she is not allowed to transform into a swan and do unspeakable things on Maedhros and Maglor's heads. She is just as much to blame for the kidnapping of your sons as you.

42\. Sorry, but this gathering is for Elves only (with one exception). It's in Valinor, for Elbereth's sake, and thus only Tuor is allowed to be present (both in Aman and at the reunion).

43\. Yes, Celegorm, this means Lúthien will _not_ be attending. You know perfectly well she can't be reborn, and I am not Mandos, so take your petitions elsewhere.

44\. However horrible we tend to treat each other, we are still family, and so in all courtesy refrain from calling Fëanor a pervert. It wasn't _me_ he was interested in; it was my hair. You know how he is about shiny things (see Rules # 11 and # 12).

45\. Turgon, IDRIL IS MARRIED. Tuor is perfectly capable of protecting your daughter from your creepy nephew. Please lay off the overprotective father act.

46\. No insulting Mahtan's beard. You're just jealous.

47\. Stop asking where Finrod's ring went. You _know_ where it went.

48\. Dear Fëanorian cousins, it's MY hair. I can give it to whoever I like. The fact that I prefered giving some of it to a dwarf over my own uncle should go to show you don't have nearly as many daddy issues as you should (see Rule # 22).

49\. List of people who are not allowed within ten feet of each other:

Celegorm and Curufin

Orodreth and the above two

Celegorm and Aredhel

Caranthir and Angrod

Maeglin and Idril

Fëanor and Fingolfin

Fëanor and Galadriel (yours truly)

Fëanor and everyone

50\. Celegorm, no.


End file.
